Demanding Baby



The fat, evil, smiling worm baby that chased away our mouse is very, very demanding. She wants and needs a home. To live.

I’ve painted the walls, sanded and polished the old wooden dining table, fixed a leaking tap, installed a lampshade that suited her height so that the harsh light wouldn’t get in her eyes, replaced the missing kitchen cabinet knobs, cleared years of hard rubbish around the house, let in more air and light, changed her curtains for brighter ones so that she would wake up with the sun …… and yet, yet, she still suckles on us, demanding our constant attention and life energy.

Beneath her fat, smiling, worm baby face that never utters a harsh word or twists away from her sickly smile – so sweet and obliging are her spineless manners – lies the most desolate and hungry spirit we have tried to cleanse so far.

She hates us as much as she needs us. We are blessed to have her in our home – the feeling is mutual.

: )

The mouse tried to kill us …


.. yesterday by turning on the gas and leaving the house. An accident? Have a look at what I said to her the day before:

“I hope we haven’t upset you – we’ve just been a little preoccupied with helping our friend through a difficult time – please talk to us if you feel we have.  It doesn’t have to ‘make sense’, emotions are not rational equations – it’s more important that you feel free to have them. You are a creative and thoughtful person, I’m sure you’ll find a way to show us what you feel – without killing us. ”

This is actually extraordinarily good news – any authentic ‘communication’, whether it be a little squeak or an attempted murder, is a major step forward for someone who has remained completely and utterly silent for most of her 36 years.


Meaning and Feeling



If the part of the brain that is responsible for meaning-making is compromised due to severe trauma in early childhood before it has a chance to develop – that function can be ‘outsourced’ as a projection or introjection depending on at which developmental stage the neurobiology has been hampered.

The rest of the ‘system’ – without ‘affect’ – plays a variety of roles for operational, communicative and symbolic purposes; they do not feel ‘real’.  This creates a dis-ease.  I –the witness – experiences the force employed to repress the various problematic selves in order to present a viable, socially acceptable, facsimile as Exhaustion.  This is the true state of Being for the Disassociated Self; absolute exhaustion at having to live a life lie that has no ‘body’.

Large numbers of people appear to exist in a high functioning version of this state. Their primary ‘Self’, however, is often to be found OUTSIDE the individual or INSIDE the body (see below).   Because so many people experience this phenomenon as ‘normal’, it is quite a challenge to ‘awaken’ someone in this state.  Nobody should be awoken prematurely – and without support – Hibernation of the Self is a crucial survival strategy.


I believe the IDEA of the opportunity to awaken should be more firmly presented as an option.  People should know that opportunities for integration, individuation and self-realization are possible; many people are good, many people are good witnesses. We exist. By holding a safe and secure space for the different selves to express themselves and receive an ‘acceptable’ response it is possible for the individual and the witness to notice the ‘absence’ of one or more of the selves in the system.

There are two simultaneous ‘places’ where this missing self can be found.  The first is as an ailment in the body. The second is as a projection.   I am adept at decoding the projection. The Beloved reads the body.

We are both witnesses.  We create the space, it is up to you to decide what you want to do with the opportunity.

How do you train for this, other than by practicing Mindful Loving as a constant way of Being?


You do not need to have experienced trauma to suffer from its consequences.

The trauma your mother experienced has significant implications for how you experienced the world as a child under her care – and ‘inherited’ her wound – by altering the expression of genes that regulate behavioral and endocrine responses to stress.

Meaney M.   Maternal care, gene expression, and the transmission of individual differences in stress reactivity across generations.  Annual Review of Neuroscience 2001;24:1161–92.

Why we work as a team.

Emotion and cognition are important: children who only use cognitive schemes to deal with their environment and have no contact with their emotions are as disturbed as children who only use emotion. You shouldn’t need a citation for this but …

Crittenden P. Treatment of anxious attachment in infancy and early childhood. Dev. Psychopathology 1992;4:575–602.

I still feel hindered by a false ‘rationality’ that stands in opposition to my lived experience like the many who must have questioned their intuitive sense that the world was round – and doubted themselves – because the prevailing consensus said otherwise. With authority.  If you experience doubts, it may be helpful to understand where they come from.

Tell a hater, I love you loads.

In a new study, researchers from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Campaign and the University of Pennsylvania propose a new dimension to individual personality: a “dispositional attitude.” Whereas people with positive dispositional attitudes have a natural inclination to like, or approve of, external objects and situations, those with negative dispositional attitudes exhibit a strong tendency to dislike them. It would appear that our judgment is not as empirical as we would like to think.
“The dispositional attitude construct represents a new perspective in which attitudes are not simply a function of the properties of the stimuli under consideration, but are also a function of the properties of the evaluator,” study authors Justin Hepler and Dolores Albarracin write. “[For example], at first glance, it may not seem useful to know someone’s feelings about architecture when assessing their feelings about health care. After all, health care and architecture are independent stimuli with unique sets of properties, so attitudes toward these objects should also be independent.”
Yet, these seemingly irrelevant pieces of information may nonetheless carry substantive information, as they indicate how the individual in question forms his or her opinions. Our assessment of one object or situation may reveal a fundamental pattern – a dispositional attitude – that can subsequently be used to predict our opinion of a completely different thing.

I find that people correlate different emotions to different parts of their bodies and find it difficult to integrate emotions that arise from previously neglected / shunned parts of themselves. Too surprised when hearing these ‘new’ voices, they instinctively silence them. My job is to help them listen.10534854_10152917170596929_540532560162627091_o

~ Justin Hepler, Dolores Albarracín. Attitudes without objects: Evidence for a dispositional attitude, its measurement, and its consequences.. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2013

Photo credit: duncan c (Tell a Hater, I Love you loads)

The Menstrual Storm

It’s that time again. Either I’m very sensitive, or everyone else is inured, oblivious or uninitiated.

It feels like a maddening buzz of fluorescence before it thickens into a swarm of dark insects and then coagulates into an ebb of humic matter, veined with copper. Sacred Dirt underneath my Skin. Chthonic Muck. A Primordial Fug. Sullenly Radioactive.

And then, thankfully, The Flow.


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All biological systems are implicated in the metabolisation of emotions. Circulatory, digestive, hormonal, gynaecological, etcetera. Your ‘mind’ is not isolated from your body, and furthermore, neither is it from the bodies of other Beings you (sometimes) choose to bring close to you. Energy must flow freely through you. Displaced emotions block the flow of energy.

The Fall (2006)



An excellent depiction of the dynamic between The Star Child and myself. Obliquely presented due to the confronting material. A Bitter Pill, magnificently sugar coated. Suitable even for pre-teens.

Is it true? Read the Robert Frost poem below as a depiction of the Fall from Higher Consciousness that accompanies a recovery from psychosis – or if you prefer, the gentle but reassuring disappointment that stops the Light from passing through your limbs as you come down off a good acid trip – and you may recognise how crucial it is for me to have more emotions if I am to recover.


Felix Culpa

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
~ Robert Frost 1923

Mother’s Eyes


My mother used to sing a song to me whenever I was sick or sad … “Everybody loves little Andrewboy, mummy, daddy, Palini and Siriawathi, too.” followed by a lilting list of all the other people in our household plus whoever was visiting or had been spoken about recently.   I’m sure her song left its mark on me and helped me see the world in a particular light.

The Star Child’s mother left her own mark. A knife thrown at her son, missed him, and sliced her daughter’s eyelid open, nearly blinding her.

We all carry our mother’s trauma, but some of us have more to uplift.

photo credit: Raghu Rai, The PRICE of FREEDOM

found at ‘Talkative Pictures’ [photography by Mohammad Moniruzzaman]

The price of freedom: Raghu Rai’s invaluable perspective of 1971 of Freedom

Genesis of (ἡμικρανία) migraines


A personal revelation on the genesis of (ἡμικρανία) migraines.

Due to an inferior / incomplete development of my ‘container’ I feel other peoples emotions very powerfully. I experience unowned / unintegrated emotions even more strongly as they aren’t mitigated by conscious awareness. I ‘receive’ these into myself raw; as Sounds and Furies. My skill lies in having refined my innate ability to ‘translate’ these energies into coherent thoughts and feelings. I am a ‘meaning maker’ of other peoples blinding pain. When their fears are made visible they can begin to engage and negotiate with these forces – they can begin to self-heal. When the schism is too great for me to handle – when the emotion is one that I have not yet confronted and accepted as part of my own emotional life – I instinctively shut down to protect myself. I have migraines.

[I like to qualify the type of migraines I have with the original Greek source-word as I feel it better conjures up the notion of a ‘split’.]

Every migraine is thus a painful testament to my emotional incompetence / inexperience. I have no choice: I have to care, I have to decipher, I have to translate.

In the meanwhile …..

The Beloved and I are having all our faults magnified

The Beloved and I are having all our faults magnified – and it’s killing us (in the best way possible).
Every moment that is not spent employed making the Star Child safe by building all three of us a Home is taken over by the Worm Baby. It dresses us up as it’s parents and sets us up to fight, lips curled and snarling, screaming at each other on the street, slamming doors, stabbing with hurtful accusations and poisoning with sly insinuations. This calms it down. It is the ONLY thing that calms it down once it gets scared. It’s easy to see why: Conflict and violence are the only life it’s ever known so at least it knows what is going on when we tear each other apart. It’s like a drug to it; our pain. Hours later, sometimes days later, it loosens its grip and we awake back into the memory of ourselves to find ourselves battered and exhausted but relieved to be free.
The Star Child then reappears and shows us the way forward again.
She explains why our every ugly impulse becomes so magnified in the presence of the Worm Baby. It’s soul is in torment because it was never held long enough in the womb to develop a story, a personality. We are it’s mother. We need to hold it safe and help it grow. Every one of our self-indulgent conceits is a moment of darkness that the Worm Baby cannot tolerate. It needs unconditional love. It needs us shine a Loving Light for it and to do that everything that doesn’t serve us – every mean spirited weakness – must die and be shed.

The Star Child forgives us our frailties – The Pervert and The Shrew – and invites us to ascend further.

Thus are we being purified.


Clench, unclench


Finally, the sex and violence has stopped. The Worm Baby released her desperate hold upon us a few hours ago and the Beloved and I are now free – temporarily? – of the roles we were trapped inside of. I used to ache for the Beloved during each and every moment we were separated, no matter how brief, every single heartbeat from the moment our spirits connected and began to change our world (22 April 2010) – but ever since the Worm Baby burrowed her way into our Paradise a year ago, I’d forgotten our Love. All my memories of us erased. Until tonight when I saw my Beloved again.

Is this the end? Will the Worm Baby leave us alone? Finally?

No more sexual intoxication and manipulation (and the diminishment of my credibility and potency as a healer).

No more 10-15 hour tantrums screaming like a Downs Syndrome Child (and the testing of our grace and equanimity).

Which Also Means … No more Star Child (and what then of our journey?).

Which Also Means … No more Light.